I would really like to STOP ITCHING for one whole day. That would be AMAZING. I am up, once again, in the middle of the night because I woke up scratching and itching ALL OVER, writhing around trying to do a full body scratch on my full body itch. I have to get up and get ready to go to work in a few short hours and I just cannot get any sleep. I am sure I have claw marks all over me, and just my luck, it's picture day tomorrow. Fantastic. Don't even ask me why it's picture day, it's so stupid but they think ugly red face clawmarked me is going to smile pretty for the camera. YEAH RIGHT.
I wish I could take a few months off my job until this is OVER. It's not fair, I just want a normal life and normal skin and mostly I WANT TO STOP ITCHING. It's just SKIN. It should NOT take this long. And I've barely made a dent in how long it will probably take. I feel like it's impossible to describe how impossibly terribly itchy this is because it sounds so petty. "Itchy" sounds like the most petty symptom ever, completely eye-rolling, like it's not like I have a colostomy bag or I'm missing an arm or something. But it's like a parade of fire ants crawling over every inch of my body all the time, no matter where I am, all the time and it's terrible and it itches and so I scratch it and then it burns or bleeds and then it itches all over again and I can never get it to stop or even just simmer down.
And I'm so ugly. Again another petty symptom, but you walk around town looking like this and see if you're rolling your eyes.
I seriously do not know how I have a boyfriend right now or why my friends still talk to me. All I want to do is curl up in a tub of oatmeal and fall asleep for the next month. I'm so tired. Every day I wake up and I just want to go back to bed. And when I'm at work, I just want to take a nap. And when I get home, I want to sleep forever but I can't even do that because who can sleep when you're this ITCHY?
This is the stupidest syndrome ever because there's no real timeline. Sometime, many many many many months from now, you'll look better. And many years from that, you'll be better. And okay, it still might show up sometime for no reason even many years from now but hey! It could be worse. You could be a hemophiliac, so look on the bright side, yeah?
And every time I type the word ITCHY, I'm reminded about how stupid and petty this symptom looks. I wish the word itchy didn't seem so slight because ITCHY just doesn't seem like anything unless you're going through this and then it's everything all the time and it's horrible but I feel stupid saying anything about how terrible it is because..."So what, it's just a little itch." But it's not, it's so much and so much worse than that, and there's no way to convey that unless you have this.
I know I am just blowing everything out of proportion and looks don't matter and this too shall pass and blahblahblah but it is awfully freaking hard to see how this is EVER going to pass when I am STUCK in the same spot dayafterdayafterday. ITCHY. RED. HURTING. Zero improvements.
Every day I want to slather stupid toxic topical steroids over every inch of my body and give up. I don't care if it won't work forever and right now I do not care that it's poison. I just want to slather it on and let it sink in. I am so tired of fighting this. I am tired of not sleeping because of the itch, I am tired of the pain, I am tired of being ugly, I am tired and I am thisclose to giving up. Why am I losing months of my life to my stupid skin? How is this fair?
Tonight I am just terribly exhausted.